How to say "no" to the child

Image by Life through Tawni's Eyes via Flickr

The surprisingly simple giant step we can all take toward emotional maturity

In "The Terrible Two's: Patterned for Life," my wife N'omi points out that our lifelong behavior patterns are determined early in childhood. During the "terrible two's," a child will discover the word "no." So the parents must get to "no" before the child does.

The horrible truth is: If parents don't know how to say "no" to the child--and in a way that doesn't frustrate him, but instead offers creative alternatives and rewards, as well as a definite requirement of obedience--a war of wills is on the horizon.

A child raised without this training of his or her will is headed for a life of anger, frustration, and loneliness. Why? Because if the parents don't lovingly present this lesson to the child, life will harshly present it to them as they become adults.

Oddly, this is much the same scenario that develops when a child is repressed and punished arbitrarily and in anger, rather than according to well-understood guidelines.

But forcing a child to parent herself or himself is simply another form of child abuse, and results in an angry, frustrated, and lonely child.

I know because I was that child, and I see children suffering like I did everywhere I go.

Current child-raising trends exalt feelings, and encourage their untrammeled expression regardless of who they hurt. Children raised this way learn that the feelings of others are unimportant, and that their own feelings are what rule the world.

They are not taught to work on their character, or to think of others, or even of their own long-term desires or goals. So they become permanently subject to babyish impulses, and seldom develop the strength of character to rise above them.

Neither a Hero nor a Coach can afford such a life. Living by our feelings is, at best, destructive to self and others. Our employer, our clients, our society all rely on us to make considered decisions, informed by facts, experience, and intuition. Feelings have a place in our lives--but that place can't be the driver's seat!

How can you help your Hero or your Coach when you see them caught up in their feelings? And how can you help colleagues, subordinates, and superiors when you see them caught up in their feelings?

First of all, don't react; that is, don't allow your behavior to be determined by, and thus feed into, their feelings. Take a deep breath, and consider the situation. Can you calm or comfort the person? Before you can address the issues at hand, you have to bring them back to responsible behavior.

Another way to do this is to speak to them in their love language, if you know what it is. If you don't, try all five! (But unless you are sure their love language is touch, don't try to touch them; it won't calm them, and could have the opposite effect.)

The main duty of parents is to teach children to live above their feelings - not to suppress them, but not to be ruled by them. And parents can only do this if they have learned this listen. If you haven't - that's your homework assignment! :-)

Love and blessings,
Joel

an email from Joel Orr.
If you have an opinion on it just don't forget to add your comments...

A letter from a father to his little son

Dear Pranav,

It's been 20 months since you set foot in the world. When I held you for the first time in my arms at the hospital, your tiny hands

A letter from a father to his little son. (Getty Images)

were twitching and your eyes were shut tight.

Your clenched fist reminded me of a science lesson that said to get an idea about the size of your heart, you should clench your fist. I could imagine the little heart throbbing inside you. The eternal miracle of birth. When it was my turn to witness it, I cried.

Before I married your mother, I used to debate one question endlessly with my friend. Which is, "Is it really worth bringing another life into this world?" Especially when terror has become an ugly leitmotif in the canvas of our lives?

When I switched on the TV that Wednesday night, the question of whether I was right in bringing you into this world haunted me again.

This is my attempt at an answer. Call it catharsis.

I feel there are two ways to raise you. One is to wean you on cynicism. Where you'll erect a sky-high wall in your mind and live your life pouring scorn on everything you see. Which is one way of insulating yourself from fear... A kind of indifferent machismo.

The other way is to prepare you to live in this world. I can't imagine the world for you, son. But i can certainly show you the way to live in an uncertain world. Make a pact with yourself. Understand the following early on.

Life is precious. And equally fragile. So every day is a gift. Get up early once in a while just to watch the sun rise. Stare at it intently and burn it in your memory. Be aware of every passing second. Look around you. There's a thin stalk of plant finding its place under the sun in a crevice on the wall of our apartment.

Appreciate mother's cooking. Praise it to heavens... Make it a habit to eat together as a family. No, make it a rule. Fall in love with books. Words will transport you to worlds far away. It will also keep you informed and prepared.

Follow your heart. The mind can waver but the heart seldom does. Respect your conscience. It's like a post-it note from God.

When you grow up, seek a job you love. As you enter the world of careers and cocktails, you'll get sucked into a vortex called rat race. Don't be overwhelmed. We're all human. But have the courage to step out of it. Nothing will be lost. Some illusions will shatter. Good riddance.

Money. It's important. But it has its place. Don't make the mistake of putting it right on top.

Find your love. Hold it dearly. Be a good husband. A patient father. Give your children space to make their mistakes. But hold them when they fall.

Speak up when you have to. Like this occasion. Whether we like it or not, we're living in a democracy. Sure it has its pitfalls. But don't forget the positives too. The real fight in a democracy is between remembering and forgetting. Go and vote. It's your chance to give shape to the kind of society you want to live in.

Be alert. But try not to live in a state of fear.

It you were to get caught in a situation similar to what happened and should we lose you, then you will have left us with enough lovely memories for the remaining years. That will only happen if you start living every day like it is the last day of your life. Though it can never compensate your loss, at least we'll find strength in your love for life.

Don't have regrets. They defeat the very purpose of life.

Immersed as I am in work most of the time, this letter is also a wake-up call for me.

Love, Dad

By Rajesh Mani

Read this article in Ahmedabad edition of TOI of Jan 20, 2009 & it touched my soul. So, am sharing it with you. Please do share your comments.


courtsey TOI http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Lifestyle/Spirituality/Speaking_Tree/A_letter_from_a_father_to_his_little_son/articleshow/4002613.cms

In The Morning

Image via WikipediaAll we have ever dreamed to know
Has not been seized

In the Morning I awaken to a new potential
I am given this day where possibilities are waiting to be born
A thousand lies seek to undertake at dawns first light
to overthrow the throne of truth deep within me
We have set up our camp together
We have known what to expect
Those who seek war,
seek war in secret
Attack while we rest

This is the waking mind
Ready to proclaim anything quiet
Ready to steal happiness
Ready to throw arrows of destruction before the sun even rises

I look to your face for their I see our future
Along your closed eyelids I see memories of the family you love so deeply
You have kept watch over me all night
Even asleep I recall your guarding footsteps

A King protects his Kingdom
And I shall love you among those who are walking
Dead to their dreams
Dead to their purpose
Dead to their visions

Yes ..We are strangers here in this land we once called home
My love weeps for you just as yours does for me
Our deep personal experience has brought us to new revelations

No one saw our tears and that could sadden any heart
But
Our embrace for this very cause was for us alone
To bring understanding in truth and a promise to those we love saying

Even though…

We may appear lost in a society of conditions
that which is divine cannot be called human
The message of truth we have discovered and have shared for our Father IS
And forever more shall BE a direction
For we carry
our Fathers heart
our Fathers passion and in this we become our Fathers light

we have found possibilities
We have uncovered ancient wisdoms of the beginning
we have passed from death to life
we have accepted our faith from our experience

And when they rise up to separate us
We remember our souls are eternal because our faith does not come from here
Our faith is a living faith that flows from our Father

Remember the father of earth who believes his entire life he has failed
Rise up and be made new ….with fresh faith to offer his newborn son the very best of his spirit
The very nature of this is just as the sun rises in the morning
And he allows no failure to crumble his spirits
He has found victory

Remember the trees each beautiful and unique even in the fall
They are not tied to the moments of the past or captured by the summer winds
Freely they move not by authority but by freedom and liberty

Our embrace through the night has kept us safely through until morning
Because it did not come from what we forced ourselves to do

We have found our common home
We have uncovered our common desires
We are the Living Faith of our Home

All we have ever dreamed to know
Has not been seized

For it is the Will of our Father
And can be renewed on earth anywhere.
In every morning.

CCSmith

Resource Colleen Ranney's FB Notes